What do these giant caterpillars look like? They are...
Fierce?
Awesome in their own strange mighty ways.
Destructive.
Ready for war.
Preparing the planet's doom.
No.
They are beige. Or off-white cream, bordering on beige. The invasion starts small, with one beige caterpillar. Soon, there are dozens of the giant fuckers. How did this come about?
A rift in space-time-chocolate-sauce.
Cosmic forces.
A big boy did it and ran away.
I'm not saying it was aliens, but. It was aliens.
Disgruntled persons with caterpillar hatcheries just dropped by to give a talk on the future of our world.
No. I ordered an off-white caterpillar from the interwebs. This caterpillar story is all about infestation caused by lack of concentration.
What did the cared-for do that the carer did, too?
She walked down the hall, from one room to another. She concentrated on nothing and I concentrated on her.
When your concentration breaks, you ignore things very close to you. The handles of doors, for example. Bump your side into a handle. Tell me it is a fun thing to do.
Fucking liar.
Remedy? Well, as I concentrated on making sure she didn't bump into a handle at the far end of the hall...I'd bump into the handle at my end. This was a problem for me, now, watching out for someone else. I went in search of a solution, and found the giant caterpillar.
A protector. There were loads on the market, in all shapes, sizes, colours, and radio frequencies. Which one, which one, which one...
I chose the caterpillar. Why? The caterpillar was sold individually. Why choose the interwebs? I couldn't find a decent product in town.
And by that, I mean, I used the interwebs to check stock-levels in town, saving me a pointless trip to town.
I ordered a single protector. If it turned out to be shitty, at least I hadn't wasted my cash on a whole pack of the fuckers. The caterpillar inched its way across the globe on a slow boat from China.
Eventually, when it arrived, I slipped the caterpillar onto the nearest handle. Did it work? Yes. The beastie came with a cork in its mouth...or up its arse.
Let me think.
If the caterpillar eats the handle, then the mouth is on the handle, and the arse is at the free end of the handle...
Yes. That's it. I'd bought a giant caterpillar with a cork up its arse.
The protector protected. I immediately ordered ALL of the caterpillars I could herd onto a slow boat from China. They came in a massive pack, and I fed them on handles.
Whether the cared-for has access to rooms or not, the handles are protected. She might take a wander into a room for no reason, so the handles must be covered.
There's a routine to learn, when making changes to the house for reasons of safety, security, comfort, or chocolate. I've been eating chocolate while writing this. Overpriced egg-shaped chocolate. Well, it is the day for it.
Off-white caterpillars with corks up their arses. Keeping your tender sides safe in a world of doors with their handles ready to ambush you at the drop off a chocolate egg.
Awesome.
In their own strange mighty ways.
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